How to know If you are an Independent, Fundamental, Baptist:
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You must own a Scofield Bible and then Preach that GOD can’t use a divorced man like Schofield.
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You must believe that God invented dresses
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It is required that you have food at all meetings
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If an altar call is not included at the end of all services, you are unbiblical
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Your pastor calls pants on woman an “abomination”, but his wife wears them at home
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You must believe and preach that smoking hurts the body, but being 300 pounds overweight is okay
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You must have at least seven deacons in a congregation size of twelve
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You must run a Bus/Van Route
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You must have a choir that sings so loud you get a headache!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Your choir must sing a minimum of six songs and nine specials.
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It is required that you bow your head and close your eyes during invitation
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The requirement for the deacons is that he will take the heat for the pastor’s mistakes
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Soul winning is only for Thursday night and Saturday mornings
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Money is talked about more than lost souls
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You must sell your sermon tapes and books and T-shirts and Hats and Tie’s and coffee pots cause JESUS is big money and tell them GOD gave you this sermon but you have the copyright and GOD lets you keep the Proceeds, so if GOD inspired it then it belongs to GOD, RIGHT then your selling stolen Property.
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Your pastor reads one verse then screams and spits for an hour. And there must be a “moving” illustration.
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“Just as I am” is played at the end of every service, and you must sing it over and over
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The pastor’s wife is invisible to the congregation and never shakes hands at the door
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You hear about some “big” college more than you do about Jesus and tell them your not right unless you go to HAC where you will learn how to Baptize 4,000 a day and then Schaap will teach you that you do not have an inspired Bible and if you believe the Bible is inspired your a Catholic or crazymatic or a hillbilly says Schaap.
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You hear very little about missionaries because no one really cares and the pastor can not remember who they support but Pastor knows 99% of his moochinarys go to Mexico or Philippines or Montana, which everybody with a pea size brain knows there are more missionaries in Mexico than Mexicans they are all here in the USA so missionary take your siesta and run to the mail box and raise your children to be parasites like your self, JESUS people will pay you.
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The tracts must be printed and used by the “big” colleges and schools
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Smoking is okay on church grounds as long as that person is related to the pastor
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When your pastor’s sermon matches word-for-word what you read in a book by a “big name” or pastor stays on the computer all days on Kids guestbook while his people are working a job to pay this lazy slob a salary.
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When a visitor sits in a member’s pew they are glared at or even asked to move
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Attendance is low, but there is still talk about building that “larger church,” spend your savings.
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When wearing a dress fit for a prostitute is biblical because it isn’t pants
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When someone is caught swaying to a gospel song it is considered dancing
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You must consider the “Red Hymnal” just as inspired as the Bible
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Your midweek service must be on a Wednesday
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As a pastor, you haven’t arrived until your weekly schedule has you preaching in large churches across the county
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Members can not have a beard {men}.
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AND THE BEST OF ALL YOU MUST HAVE SUNDAY SCHOOL.
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Must have at least three services a week.
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You quit evangelism because you could not make it, then you feel led to Pastor you a Church with a Parsonage, Paycheck, Phone, Perks.
Then you stay on the road Preaching Revivals so you can double your money and let the Church just see you on Sundays, then bring your pals in for Revival cause you will need them after you lose this Church, but for now you have the keys to the treasury and the church trusts you like a Idiot.
I believe when a Pastor Preaches over three Revivals a year the Church ought take that weeks check away from him as he made that week in Revival.